So my life is a journey, it’s a spiritual journey, a healing journey, a discovering journey, and a healthy journey. As I walk through life I never stop taking journeys, I never stop allowing God to speak to me, I never stop listening. A few years ago, I had the chance to go away to a nice little secluded place on the beach, it was the end of beach season, so it was quiet there weren’t many people around, the place I stayed was homey, there was no cable, no internet, and very little contact with people for a week and a half. During the time I pulled out a list, that a dear friend who is now my Pastor helped me make several years prior (and I still have that little list tucked away safely) and I looked at the goals I made with him that day, and I realized that not much had changed since we made that list, sure I had done some of the things, but the one thing I remember telling him was I wanted to be healthier, physically, spiritually…
Throughout the week I spent time in tears, in prayer, in my bible, I realized that I was holding on to a sin in my life and one that others weren’t able to visibly see, I had shared with a few (VERY) close friends, and really haven’t shared it with anyone else, but my struggle with food was bigger than I had ever let anyone in on, I struggled with an eating disorder, I yo-yo’d between binging and purging and just not eating, and between just binging and not caring, my weight had become a safety net for me, I thought that it would protect me, keep people away. I was mistreating my body, I wasn’t taking care of the temple God had given me to care for. I thought that not eating would help me lose weight, I thought that binging and then making myself sick would help me lose weight but it didn’t and wouldn’t, if anything it was doing more harm than good.
As I went through that week, I prayed daily, I asked God to release the chains, I got on my knees I cried and I begged for forgiveness. I vividly remember the day I vowed to God it was Thursday September 23, 2010 that I was not going to disrespect the temple (my body) that He gave me to care for. I remember telling Him that I was ready to make the changes in my life, I was ready for a weight loss journey, I was ready to love my body and care for it. I learned that week through prayer and scripture that this was something I had to be ready for and that it would be a journey.
The following Monday, I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting I was scared to death to get on that scale, I didn’t want to know how much I weighed or how much I needed to lose, I worked out a deal with my leader, asking her if I could only know each week how many pounds that I had gained or lost, because in the past when I tried to lose weight and saw the numbers it sent me in to a tail-spin and back to my old habits. So from there on out I only know each week what my loss or gain is, I know roughly how much I started out at…and if I told you, you wouldn’t believe me!
I would love to tell you that this has been an easy journey but it hasn’t there was a time when I gained back 25lbs in 2 months, there was a time when I stayed at the same weight for weeks and it never changed, there were days of tears, telling myself I wasn’t good enough, telling myself I was giving up, throwing in the towel, and there were days when it seemed like the mountain was too big. There were days when I wanted to eat an entire bag of Oreo’s, visit the McDonalds drive thru and days when I wanted nothing to do with food, but on those days I found myself lost in my bible, lost in prayer, finding hope in Him, and reaching out to the people God had sent to walk this journey with me.
I know roughly how much weight I have to lose to be at an acceptable weight for “society” to accept me and I know the weight that’s going to be allow me to be healthy, I am way more concerned with the latter number. And last week it happened I reached the OVER half way point of my journey , I stepped on the scale, for various reasons I hadn’t been able to weigh in, in about three weeks, and so when I got on the scale the lady behind the counter said, “Are you ready for this…?” I looked at her baffled, and she said, “Dear you’ve reached 200 lbs lost,” I looked at her with tears in my eyes and I asked her if she could weigh me again, that meant I had lost 18lbs in the three weeks! But even more that meant since I had made the decision a little over two years ago to lose weight and become more healthy, it was really happening! I have noticed and continue to notice my body change, I have to buy new pants at least once a month, I am able to walk 4-5 miles per day without stopping, I can exercise and I get excited about, I am able to make wiser choices when it comes to food, I am able to say no when I know it’s not going to fit in my day, I am able to have a “free” day and it doesn’t turn into a free week and most importantly I am able to do things I couldn’t or wouldn’t before (like run with the kids in the park, roll down hills and race to the top, go down a hillside slide, sign up for a 5k!).
I know that I have a decent amount of weight left to lose, but I know I can do it…I also know there are going to be days when I feel like giving up, days when I want to eat a bag of chips and all the Oreo’s in the world (I have a thing for Oreo’s ha-hah), and on those days I am going to think about that commitment I made a few summers ago, I am going to think about the verses that God has brought me too in His word, and I am going to cry out to Him in prayer and I know and believe He’s going to walk to the “end” of this journey with me.
So I could go on and on about this weight loss journey however I want to close with some of my favorite verses on Hope, and some of the verses you’ll find doodled in my food journal, or on my weight watchers profile:
Romans 5:2-5 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
These are just a few of my favorites and I really hope that whatever journey God is taking you on, if you need hope they’ll inspire you to keep going!